you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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