Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
