The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
