It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
