just tell him i said nine months
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
