I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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