put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You ruined the universe
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