8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
