If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
