i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
