i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
