he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
