I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
