Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
