So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
