I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
