I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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