I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
