I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
