I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
