it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
