Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
