When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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