i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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