I smell stomach acid.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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