the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
