Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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