WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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