Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
