You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
