She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
