Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
