that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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