i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
