We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
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