Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
