Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize