Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
