yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
May the power of my ass compel you!!
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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