I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
FUCK WHALES
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
