Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
