The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
