New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
