All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
