Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Michael Bay diarrhea
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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