i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Small penises have feelings too.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
