Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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