and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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