I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
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