there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
you didnt know i had herpes?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
