I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Randomize
