Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
