Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
