I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
