I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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