I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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