Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
