just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
