I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
