I'm lost and stupid without you.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
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